Paranoia, Delusion & Boris Johnson Encounter

Sometimes, I just don’t know. 

I feel powerless when I don’t know.

I like to know.

This morning, CRT called at 11.32.... and again at 11.33. It was from an unavailable number and I missed both calls. There was a voicemail though - one of those maddening recorded messages we usually get when calling a company - “Press 1 for this; 2 for that.” An odd message to leave for me though as ‘1’  caused my phone to repeat the message and 2 forwarded to the next message.

I called CRT back on their main number but - being a Sunday - they were closed.

What did they want with me? I’d been good, hadn’t I?

I had a few ideas, all of which made me slightly paranoid. In my mind,  I churned through  some of the possibilities and rehearsed my answers. 

My first fear was that someone had broken into my boat. However, I soon dismissed this as - at the time they called - I was onboard.

My 2nd, 3rd & 4th ideas surrounded the circumstances of my current mooring - Noel Rd in Islington. 

For a while now, this area has been the centre of some conflict between boaters and local residents. As a consequence, CRT have declared this a ‘Quiet Zone’, tweaked the rules and arranged a rota of trusted caretaker boats to stay there and help keep the peace. When I arrived, the current caretaker explained the rules (1) No log burning. (2) Engines to be run once a day, for a maximum of one hour.

I am moored in the exact section of Noel Rd where the complaints had been made so wondered if I had done anything to attract unwanted attention.....

Potential Idea 2: Maybe the kindling I had used to start last night’s fire had been mistaken for log burning? 

Potential Idea 3: I put my generator on at 9.30am this morning and didn’t turn it off until 10.50 am. Could that extra 20 minutes have been noted? 

Potential Idea 4: Last night, I needed to get some water. There’s a tap on the other side of the bridge. The distance - as I found out last night - was exactly one metre too far to reach my tank by joining all my hoses together. Consequently, at around 8 pm, I used my trolley to lug water containers between the tap and my boat - an act I repeated 4 times. Was that the problem? Why was that a problem?

Paranoia.

The only other thing I can think of is that Boris Johnson might have called CRT and complained about me. He lives on Noel Rd too.

I’ll explain.

I wrote to him on Friday night. 

I am about to start an ‘Angry Boater’ podcast and I asked if I could interview him. 

Earlier that afternoon, I’d walked past his house, just as he was opening his door to let a visitor in. He looked just like him.  He was him.

An hour later I was in a cafe on Upper Street, writing my letter. The sighting had inspired me. At 8.30 pm, I dropped it through his letter box. 

I am aware that this flies in the face of convention and is - arguably - an act of delusion on my part. Sometimes I can be prone to self aggrandizing and - when that happens - the idea that I might appear ridiculous or experience rejection does not enter my mind. I become possessed, full of confidence and am driven to act by the power of my emotions. 

When I look back on my life, more often than not, I have not received the payoff I was seeking.... but sometimes I have. The best way I can explain it is that those very infrequent rewards were a great enough positive reinforcement and validation to wipe out all the shame associated with the many more experiences of rejection. Having ‘won’ big a few times now, like any gambling addict, I’m therefore always seeking the next big hit. If I’m in that zone, rational thinking does not come into it. The idea that I could  lose, probably will lose, in fact   - even though I nearly always do just that - seems utterly absurd. 

Here, unedited, is my letter to Boris:

Dear Mr Johnson,

I live on a narrowboat and am currently moored in Angel, alongside Noel Road.

Before I get into my reason for writing to you, I hope you do not mind that I have dropped this letter off in such a direct fashion.  I had heard that you lived around here and your exact location was confirmed to me - by chance - earlier this afternoon (I was walking past when you opened your door to let someone in). 

I thought twice about approaching your letterbox directly but then, as you can see,  went ahead all the same. It was a similar spontaneous moment that led me to move onto a boat in the first place. I did not regret my impulsive actions back then and, hopefully, will have no cause to now. If this is taken as an intrusion, however, please accept my apologies and be assured that I won’t write again. If I do not hear back - or do notice men in dark suits following me in a dinghy - I’ll take the hint that I have overstepped the mark.

Anyhow, my reason for writing.....

I recently started an online project I call ‘The Angry Boater.’ 

Many boaters seem to like it. A lot of others hate it. I’m just grateful that many people are finding it interesting enough to have an opinion (www.angryboater.com).

My aim is to explore issues of interest to boaters but through a more humanistic / bigger picture filter.   I decided on the ‘angry boater’ name as it contrasts with the stereotype that so many people have about boating and the waterways. Many seem to mistakenly believe that a boating life is all about passivity, connecting with nature & slowing down. That is certainly the opinion held by plenty of non boaters and none of these things are necessarily untrue. Furthermore, many boaters reinforce this image by naming their vessels after concepts from the semantic field of  serenity, dreams, escaping etc. (FYI, I nearly renamed mine ‘Al Qaeda’ when I had it repainted last year. On that occasion, however, after I had  thought twice, I managed to repress the urge..... and, again, it is not a decision I have regretted).

The truth, as I see it, is that boating has its stresses, challenges and negative aspects - just like all other areas of life. It is my opinion - philosophy, perhaps -  that anyone who chooses to live their life with one sided perceptions is destined to find the world a struggle. If I find a situation challenging, I  try to empathize and understand what the needs driving those with opposing beliefs might be. I can’t say that I always get it right but I’ve found - the attempt, at least - makes my life flow much more smoothly.

I am about to start an ‘Angry Boater’ podcast - the next phase of my project. There does not seem to be any kind of regular boating broadcast atm and it’s a concept which, if I get it right, will be of interest to many boaters as well as the wider community. 

My idea is to top or tail each episode with my own  (boater perspective) thoughts about issues that have grabbed my attention. The main focus, however, will be an interview with a special guest. Ideally, I’d like to interview my guest on board,  although that is not essential. As with my writing, there will some kind of boating discussion but it’s the bigger picture /human interest stuff that really interests me.

Would you consider being the subject of my first episode, Mr Johnson? It would be very informal and of un-paralleled benefit in assisting me to build this project. If there any topics that you wish to be off limits, I would of course respect that. 

Even though I have no conscious political agenda here, if you wish to do this on board and feel that there is a potential media opportunity to consolidate / reinforce The Mayor’s support of Londoners with alternative lifestyles, I would be fully supportive of that too. 

Kind Regards

Joel Sanders

After I had dropped the letter through Boris’s letterbox, I went to Waitrose, hunting for yellow stickers.  

Within 10 minutes, I was at the deli counter, snapping up the last of the chorizo tortillas. 

My phone rang.

That was quick, I thought.  

The Mayor of London was also calling from an unavailable number. This, of course, was to be expected. 

I took a deep breath and pressed the green button.

“Hello Boris!” I said, with all the charm & confidence that I could force into my handset.

It wasn’t him.

It was a machine again. PPI. 

48 hours has passed now and he still hasn’t called. 

But maybe one of his people has called CRT and  - in their capacity as oversee-ers of all things on the Regents Canal - CRT are passing on the message that under no circumstances is this boater permitted to post things directly through The Mayor of London’s letterbox. The British Waterways Act of 1995 forbids it and it is a contravention of my license.

                                                           **********************

Now I know.

My power is restored.

I like knowing.

Last month, I completed an online CRT survey and I said it was OK for them to contact me to seek my opinion on other boating matters.

Sometimes, it’s better not to know.

Joel  - March 23rd, 2014